Statler and Waldorf

10, 11, 12/365

The goal of writing everyday is an exercise that I am finding challenging. I am sitting with why this has been difficult. My inner critics are a bit more defined when I need to sit with them everyday. This is also an opportunity for me to get to know them. When I think of my inner critic I see the two old men from the sketch comedy television series The Muppet Show. Statler and Waldorf were/are their names, best known for their cantankerous opinions and shared penchant for heckling. These irritable old men scratch at every insecurity and uncured part of my being. I do appreciate this exercise as it is giving me an opportunity to sit in self reflection. And if you know me, self reflection is one of my favorite pass times.

Last night, I sat on the couch utterly exhausted from work and life this past week. I went into the office for three days and it was glaringly clear that I was by no means ready to go back to my day to day life. I am very thankful that I have the next month off to continue my healing process and assimilate new habits into my life for optimal health and healing.

As I lay on the couch watching Succession (as my son recommended), I thought about how I had missed my writing goals for the past two days. I contemplated mustering up the fumes to stay on track when a little voice pipped in and whispered in my ear “just rest my dear”. In that moment, I had to sit with an expectation I set myself for myself and the pressure it was applying to my psyche. When really I had the ability to adjust the expectation. My immediate reaction to adjusting my goal is failure when really any project is prone to need adjustment for best results. The important part is that I keep on going. I am not sure if I want to adjust the posting everyday aspect or change how I approach what I am writing every day. We shall see.

I am leaving in three days to head down to the Hope4Cancer treatment center in Cancun, Mexico. I will be there for three weeks getting personalized treatment from 7 AM – 3 PM six days a week. Sundays are free days. This starts a year long relationship with Hope4Cancer. When I come home I will have three months of home treatment and supplements mailed to my door. Three months after I return home I can go down for a 2-day check up to track my progress and then again at six to nine months. Hope4Cancer will be checking in with me every three weeks to see how I am doing after I return home and I can reach out for support at any time.

I have no clue how I am going to integrate all the treatments into my life when I return but I guess I don’t need to know right now. When I get frustrated thinking about doing all the things to stay healthy, I tap into my memories of doing chemotherapy and my frustration morphs into determination. I may need to ask for adjustments in my work schedule. I will most likely be waking up very early to get treatments in before work. I am contemplating buying a countertop dishwasher (I spend an insane amount of time doing dishes between cooking and juicing and it would make my daughter very happy). I can do this and it’s okay for me to not see the path ahead quite yet.

Another thought that has been rumbling around my head is the wish that I had a healthy, supportive partnership to do all this stuff with. Don’t get me wrong, I have an AMAZING supportive community, but it’s not the same. This train of thought is a puddle I am allowing myself to sit in for a bit. Then I will let it go as I am very aware that there are pros and cons to being single and being partnered. I am a personality type that works better with others around me, I get energized in sharing experiences. I find it more difficult for me to rally when I am flying solo. And if I were to turn this pity party on its head, I could see this as an opportunity to improve my skills of self-energizing and/or intentionally asking/inviting folks in to join me in the things I am doing. Yet, another growth opportunity.

I am going to get on with my Saturday even though there are so many more things I could write about like – don’t trust a fart, how much the abdominals are engaged in an orgasm, the farce of the 6 week standard healing period, the adjustment to eating copious amounts of raw vegetables which then brings us back around to don’t trust a fart.

I love you all for coming along this journey with me. It’s huge. If you would like to donate to my adventures in health and getting beyond stage 4 colon cancer (for the third time) Here is the link to my GoFundMe.