Exhausted & Excited

8 & 9/365

Yesterday was my first day back at the office. I loved seeing everyone. My office has a great culture fueled by really lovely humans. It has been the perfect place for me to land at this time. I have been at this job for 18 months. Oh, how time flies.

The office was full of hugs and welcome back wishes. Then we settled into the hum of the day with all the banter, phone calls, and random chitchat. Tuesdays are the day our entire department is in the office at the same time for our weekly meeting, which makes for a lot of interacting. There was a moment that I just observed the activity around me and all the sounds melted together a melodic hum.

It was good to be around people again and it was exhausting. Last night I fell asleep in the bathtub at 8pm.

Today was a bit quieter but busy. There were a few puzzles to solve which was fun. No big fires. I ran a few errands after work. Once home, I settled into a lovely phone conversation with a friend of a friend who has been to Hope4Cancer, where I am headed in five days.

He was a wealth of knowledge and information that eased the worries I didn’t even know I had. He is also a radical remission story. I could have talked to him much longer than I did, I wanted to respect his willingness to take the time to chat with me. He shared much more information and links in text after our call. I forget what it was like to find folks that are as passionate as I am about a particular subject. It was just what my soul needed to take these next steps.

Folks have been asking me if I am excited to go to Hope4Cancer. I have had the hardest time answering that question. I haven’t felt excited and I haven’t felt not excited. It’s almost like I have had no feelings about it. I have just been focused on putting one foot in front of the other everyday, healing from surgery, working, doing life and planning this big thing. I must report that after the conversation this evening with this fellow traveler on the cancer journey, I am getting excited.

Cancer is part of my life’s journey, I can’t undo that. I have chosen a unique path that swims upstream to the masses. This has made it a bit harder for me to find my people. Traditional cancer support groups are not good for me because my healing has a different foundation. It is harder to feel support if I spend energy defending my decisions, or navigating feeling judged (real, perceived, or imagined). After tonight’s phone call, I am starting to feel like I am finding my people. There are so many things I do not have to say to him. So many things that are understood without question. I could go on and on but it is late.

The evening wrapped up with the new episode of Ted Lasso. As much as I would love to binge watch it, I do appreciate the anticipation of waiting for the new drop every Wednesday, like its 1990. And I love Rebecca.