I had a big ol’ cry today. Approximately an hour or so of rolling sobs ebbing and flowing. I wasn’t even upset per se, overwhelmed maybe but not upset. It just needed to come out I guess.
Healing from surgery is continuing and going well. I am taking it slow and being careful. Trying to not get frustrated at how weak I am, having faith that I will build my strength back when the time is right. For now, my dear, I shall be but a delicate flower … HAH! Just kidding, I am still very able bodied and capable, just not where I would like to be. Patience has never been my friend but we are getting friendlier as time goes on.
What did I cry about today? All of it and nothing at all to be frank. It was a release valve. I have been pacing myself researching and trying to navigate my path forward to heal by body. It’s a lot of information and navigating conflicting beliefs. I am very appreciative of my 20+ years as a patient advocate helping folks navigate what works best for them. I could not imagine what I would feel like without that experience in my pocket and I am still a bit overwhelmed.
At my core I am very comfortable with declining chemotherapy at this time. I know I still have a lot to learn and many things to integrate into my life because, as my Eastern doctor said to me after my most recent diagnosis, “This is your life.” As in, I need to be a bit more intentional than the average bear to stay healthy for the rest of my live long days. I am working to find my new normal to live and get my body to a place where cancer will not take up residence.
For me, cancer is the symptom of a body and mind in a state of dis-ease. Cancer and I are not separate beings, we have been in relationship. Cancer has communicated to me that I have some things to adjust and work on. For example: remove stressors, let go of anger and resentments, forgive myself and others, have boundaries, be aware of toxins that I may be exposed to, feed my body healing foods, move my body, meditate to calm my mind and I am sure some other stuff as well. Cancer is very unique to each person, and this is what cancer is to me at this time.
I have been reading the book Chris Beat Cancer by Chris Wark. I also bought his cookbook Beat Cancer Kitchen and signed up for his SquareONE Healing Cancer Coaching Program. I am leaning in folks. He recommends a raw food diet for a while consisting of fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, light oils, apple cider vinegar, herbs, spices, sauerkraut and kimchi basically. In the form of juicing, smoothies, big salads, and he also has soups and roasted vegetables if raw is hard to do 100%. It’s actually really yummy in my opinion. As delicious as it is, it is also a bit of work and planning that I have not gotten into the habit of yet and that takes a bit of energy. I know at some point it will become ingrained into my life and habits will form to support it but again that takes time and patience.
My goal right now is to commit to a year of eating for my life in this way. My daughter and I just watched Julie and Julia this week, where this woman takes a year to cook out of Julia Child’s cookbook and she blogs about it every day for a year, good or bad. I was thinking that may be a good way to keep me accountable to this path and share what I learn. So I am going to try to post something every day, good or bad about my journey to health, what I am learning, and maybe what I am eating that day. Instead of it being a chore or a burden it’s a project and an opportunity to share.
Another piece of exciting (and overwhelming) news is that I am working on heading to the Hope4Cancer treatment center in Cancun Mexico, mid-May to early June. That is very soon. Big deep breath. They have shared so much information and my personal treatment plan that I will expound upon at a later time. I have read their book and done research online into the clinic, their treatment options, and research associated with those treatments. I will go into this just as discerning as I have been while navigating the Western medical system here. Eyes wide open and asking a lot of questions.
This treatment is out of pocket and it’s not cheap. I have gotten to a point in my research, that if I didn’t try what they have to offer and cancer returned I would always wonder, what if…? Although the initial treatment is three weeks, the whole program is for a year of support, recommended supplements, take home treatments and two 2-day follow ups at the treatment center for check ups. If you would like to help me on this journey of donations are welcome. Here is a link to the GoFundMe that was set up, or if you would like to donate in another way you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
One last note, in the beginning of the Chris Beat Cancer book he tells his story and educates a bit about cancer statistics, traditional treatments and language in the western medical health care system. When reading the statistics in particular, it touched a nerve for me. I know I am going to live a very long healthy life ahead of me, but in those pages my personal prognosis is pretty grim. I intellectually know that those statistics are based on folks following conventional paths, not changing diet or lifestyle and hence the statistics lose meaning to some extent. Even in my rattled state I do not doubt my chosen path and that feels good as I wait for the fear to pass. This is not the first time or the first issue that I have chosen to swim upstream. I know as I learn, I will get rattled less often. Doubt and fear are not welcome on this journey. I am choosing faith, positivity, and living my life to the fucking fullest. Oh, and a whole bunch of laughter once it doesn’t hurt to laugh anymore.
Welcome to the next adventure! See you tomorrow 🙂
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