The Process of Preparing

Less than a week until my surgery. Two days ago I got my first twinge of excited. I didn’t notice until then that I have been waiting to see if the rug would be pulled out from under my feet again. I thought I was going to have the surgery to fix my abs last November. I was within two weeks when – whoosh! – the rug was pulled. I don’t know if I was more upset about the cancer or the idea of continuing to have to wear my binder and feel my injury get worse as we figured out the path forward. I think that was the last straw for me on having to pivot when outside forces change the path I am on.

Two days ago I got a twinge of glee. I start thinking about camping on Lake Michigan this summer, playing pickleball, building back my muscle mass to be strong to grow old and kick ass like a sea bass. I shifted my mindset from being frustrated with the past to dreaming about my future. I didn’t realize I had stopped doing that. I couldn’t or wouldn’t allow myself until I felt like I could actually move past this.

This is my third major abdominal surgery, and my fifth abdominal surgery overall. Who am I? The woman who hardly used western medicine. Healthy as a horse until I wasn’t. I will get through this era of my life and be able to reflect back on it as just that, an era.

I am not afraid of the cancer, as I believe I will work through my relationship with my body so my cells don’t find the need to mutate. I am not afraid of the surgery in general or recovery. I don’t feel fear per se, as I am not sure how that will help me. I possibly feel a bit disassociated regarding the week ahead, which is expected and it makes more sense working as a protective mechanism. In response I am looking forward to being on the other side with everything going smoothly with no complications or new issues to deal with.

My 48th birthday is in July. I have been thinking about that as my marker for a beautiful turning point. I will be through my surgery and back from my treatment trip. I will have more knowledge on how to move forward in a healthy way for my body and mind. I will not be afraid of busting at the seam as my abs will be healed and I will be getting my strength back, which will stop my lower back from going out. I can plan my life moving forward on my terms without any gray clouds looming over my head.

One of the dreams of the future that I have is regarding how I will fill my time. Many things have been on hold due to major life changes, my health, and such. It is shocking how much brain space gets sucked up by divorce, moves, new jobs, illness, health care appointments, navigating the health care system. As I get closer to my surgery actually happening and I can see past my treatment, I am experiencing mental space in a way that is allowing me to dream. To dream of what’s next on my horizon.

I have missed the connection I had with my doula clients for the 20ish years of my career. I love when I get to teach my birth doula trainings but can only do that a couple of times a year with a full time day job.

Something that has been on my radar for the past 15 years has been to get certified as a “Life Coach”. I love the idea of this kind of work although I am not a big fan of the verbiage. Most recently I have liked the title “Human Consultant”. It makes me giggle for some reason and feels accurate.

I don’t want to be a therapist. I don’t want to tell people what to do but I love helping folks find their own path as I did in doula work. To be an ear, a mirror, a bumper to bounce off of rolling down the lane of life. I have been through a straight divorce, a queer divorce, a good divorce, a difficult divorce, I came out in my 30’s, I have raised kids, I homeschooled, I had my kids in school, I am going through empty nesting, I have been self-employed, worked in an office, had cancer three times, done chemo, declined chemo, taken alternative paths, I have done a lot of interesting things that have given me a unique perspective and most importantly I know I can support folks on their path no matter what as long as it is based in informed consent. I don’t have to believe or agree with someone’s choices to support them, I just need to believe in them. Their path is not about me and I am very comfortable with that. I really miss supporting people and having that connection.

So, here’s my plan: For my 48th birthday I will start the 15 year old dream to support people as a Human Consultant. I have been researching coaching programs (something not cancer related which is so nice) and jotting down brainstorming notes for many months now. The creative spark is starting to smoke in preparation for the creative fire to come. I am putting this out into the universe as an ask for this to be – to be able to have the brain space to move past this era of health issues and big life changes to let my creative force grow. I am starting to see it. I am able to look forward instead of looking back or being stuck where I am. It is an amazing feeling to see my future. I will be keeping my day job as I love the people and I need good reliable insurance. And really I have never just had one job so why should I start now.

This is part of my healing process – looking beyond. I have not been able to see beyond until recently. I had thoughts here and there but I could not feel my future to embody it because there were too many barriers in the way. The barriers are falling away. I am standing at the last couple of walls, ready to scale the vertical to see what is on the other side. I love my home. My kids are great. I will get my health in order. My body will be whole. I have a good job with great people. I am in a great place. I am able to have a vision my future and it looks really exciting.

I am looking forward to be creative, to find a way to help people that fills my soul cup, to go camping, to go hiking, to travel, to take naps by the river this summer, to kayak, to write, to spend time with folks I love, to laugh big belly laughs and to continue to grow. I am ready. I am ready. I am ready. This is my process to get through the next little bit – to see myself on the other side.

It’s kind of like having a baby, by the time nine months have passed most folks are ready to cross the challenging threshold of childbirth exhausted by the gestation process. I appreciate all that my gestation time has brought me and I am ready to be birthed into the next phase of my life. (I can’t help it – birth is a great analogy for so many things in life)

This is part of my process of preparing: I am healthy. I will get through my surgery whole and ready for all the awesomeness that is to come. I see future Kate and I am looking forward to hanging out with her.