If I needed to put a date that it was clear that my relationship was over it would have been nine months ago today. The same amount of time it takes to gestate a human. I have been single for this time of gestation. The irony is not lost on me that I am at the point in my process that I am feeling like I am giving birth to something.
There are many things written about the grieving/healing/post relationship process. I haven’t dove into any of it too much. I have been busy moving into my beautiful historic waterfront home, parenting my kids through senior year and young adulthood, starting a new job in the tech sector, supporting the Michigan Prison Doula Initiative, continuing my birth doula trainings, tending to my health and recovery from stage IV cancer, navigating my next and final surgery and I have officially entered the sandwich generation with my mother helping her recover her mobility. It is a lot and overall I feel I have handled it all like a boss. Being very human in my experience but a boss nonetheless. I am fitting in the nooks and crannies, reflections about all of the things going on.
I have tossed my hat into the dating ring and I must say, I learned much along the way. I have had opportunities to create boundaries, recognize red flags, hone in what I want and what I don’t want, observe what I need to work on and what my goals are. I am in no hurry to repartner. I have noticed as this mysterious birthing feeling is occurring, I am backing off connecting with others in a dating sense. I am really enjoying dating myself.
Having this time to reflect, enjoying my own company, I am discovering who I am as a solitary human, not the adult to that child or that partner or to any other human. If all works out and the stars align, eventually, when the time is right, I will re-partner. Preferably as my whole self, my true self. I need to find her first.
One thing I have noticed on this journey is that because I have had the opportunity to have different types of long term relationships with very different types of people and I love deep diving to learn, I am actually a wealth of some really good wisdom. Tooting my own horn here – TOOT TOOT 😉 How can I not have wisdom out of such experiences. Along with the diversity of comparison having been in heteronormative marriage and gay marriage with spouses with polar opposite personalities raising kids all the while. So many opportunities to observe the nature of humans, myself included.
I am a deep dive kind of person. I want to know the why and what caused something to happen or what drew me to make that decision or not make another decision. I feel like life is a big puzzle to piece together which is also how I find connection with others. With great joy, I have realized that the deep connected relationship that I always craved in my partnerships but never found is right in front of my face in my close friends. It was not always there with these friends, but over time the friendships have blossomed into something more. With time, trust and vulnerability working through the tough phases that are scratchy, sitting in emotional puddles together, taking turns holding each other up. I know I will never be alone. For that I am eternally grateful.
A piece of relationship advice I gave recently was “What are your values? You must have your values clearly defined to navigate your own life. Along with determining if someone falls within your values. Are they the kind of person you would like to share your time with?” I thought that sounded pretty good. I have not done this successfully yet but I am actively composing my list of values for myself.
Honesty and transparency in communication is on the list. If something is going on or rumbling – just tell me. I will hold myself to the same expectations and we will work to create a safe space to speak with honesty and transparency.
Kindness is another one. My empath is too high for being unkind. I don’t want to be around it. It is not the resonance I want in my bubble.
Community is one that I was surprised would hold as much weight as it does. Being connected and working towards a greater good.
Playfulness is big. I am a big kid and I like to be goofy. I will not be shamed or be small for anyone. It is also key to know when to adult and when to be playful, not using it as a distractor or to deflect.
That’s what I have right now. It’s a work in progress. More to come on this lovely journey.
Today was a tougher day than usual. There are times that it is helpful to have a partner. Another adult, just standing beside me as I am juggling all of the things, would be nice. I have so many beautiful friends and amazing kids but it is different to be partnered. I do love where I am on my journey and I do not want to rush through this process – both can exist. Tough days in the joy of the journey.
That’s a good sentiment to end on. Good night.
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