When I think of myself as like a seed or a toddler on the verge of a growth spurt my life makes so much more sense. For a seed to burst through to become a plant it must vibrate like crazy after a time of being dormant. A toddler almost always will digress and be irritable before a developmental leap. Why should either of those things not apply to a grown human adult? I am always growing and evolving.
Two things happened while I was out on my walk at lunch. It is a beautiful sunny day, with snow on the ground. Not today fresh but two days ago fresh. The sledding hill is well worn, the sidewalks are mostly clear. At the beginning of my walk I received a text from a dear friend telling me about a reminder she had set on her phone three years ago which was the day I didn’t have to take any more chemo pills. The pills of death are what they felt like to me. My body would resist the hand to mouth action to take the 7 horse pills twice a day. Today is the anniversary of the last day of active chemotherapy from the first time I had cancer. Whew! That hit me. I immediately teared up and my body went into memory mode. Body memory mode in this moment for me felt like a repulsion of all things that do not serve me. Mind you the pills were supposed to be helping me but my body was not convinced of this theory.
Later in my walk I was offered a reminder that I am a strong badass autonomous human living my best life. Thank you Universe.
Yes, I have been vibrating with stored up emotions. Wiggling and retching at the discomfort of what I do not know or see. I am a seed. I am coming out of the long sleep of being dormant. I am coming into myself. Growth is happening. Patience is needed. Faith is offered for whatever is coming.
Imagining myself as a seed is a lovely example but sometimes we just need to be real and admit that there are times as adults that we feel more like the kid throwing a temper tantrum in the cereal aisle. It’s real. We all feel it. Some of us may be more vocal than others and some of us are in total denial. Life in its entirety is a spectrum. I have been feeling a bit scratchy and on the toddler end of things. Michigan winter, impending surgery, the journey of cancer, empty nesting coming soon, so many things. I am finding myself in safe spaces just announcing “I’m grumpy”. In another time I would not allow space for myself to feel those things or say them. Emotions are not good or bad. How we act and impact ourselves and others in the name of those emotional responses is what matters.
I have met someone recently that is studying the word integrity. I am fascinated by her commitment to this word and the study of it. Integrity by definition is: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. BAM! We can dive deeper here to investigate moral principles. Moral principles are guidelines that people live by to make sure they are doing the right thing. Then we could dive even deeper into what is the right thing …. I sometimes like to simplify it down to “don’t be an a$$hole.” So many people can mess that up, myself included at times. The key is to make amends when needed and to learn to not make that mistake again.
With all that said, I promise to love my inner toddler throwing the tantrum. I will water and nurture the vibrating seed preparing for the burst of beauty to come. I know my worth. I know I am strong. I will walk through this world with integrity even when it is a bit messy.
I am excited for what is to come. I am excited for who I am becoming. I am excited for who I am. The dust will eventually settle. The fog will clear. When it does I will hit the ground power hiking into this beautiful long life ahead of me. It’s going to be a great ride. Who wants to come along? 😉
note: i found it interesting that dormant and doormat sound so close… for me, i find humor in that.
From Me, To Myself 
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