Whew! It looks like I as in a mood last night. Luckily for me, writing seems to help ease my mind. I am feeling much better today and still a bit raspy.
After I made my post last night, I remembered that I had written on the subject of rage and anger before. October 25th,2021 to be exact, becuase I love knowing the dates of things especially in relation to eachother. I went back to read what I had wrote just a few months back. I audibly laughed at how close the topics are. It has been rumbling for awhile I guess. In the end, I think October Kate was trying to warn January Kate that she was about to lose her s#!t.
Please Enjoy – The Preface to I’m Angry written October 25th, 2021
As long as I can remeber in my life, showing anger or rage was not acceptable for me or for anyone around me. It was something expressed behind closed door if at all. Or through a silent gaze that felt like daggars and few words. Anger and rage have felt messy, uncivilized, violent, hurtful and most importantly painful for me to experience. Anger and rage brought me little relief and mostly shame when it was all said and done. I felt shame regarding how I lost control, and/or said unkind hurtful things – although my “unkind” was still greatly edited even when I let loose. Many times when I have experienced others anger and rage it followed suit with my understanding of rage and anger usually feeling hurtful, unkind and like a violent attack.
Recently I have felt some big feelings – frustration, disappointment, fear, saddness, anxiety, overwhelm that rolled together in an avalange led me to feel what I called and felt as rage. It was so terribly uncomfortable and shockingly powerful in my body. I have spent years of my life avoiding rage through distraction, numbing with substances, food. I have also delt with it at times in short bursts with excessive working out but usually with a side of more immediate drinking or numbing of some sort. Last week may have been the first time in my memory that I sat in the rage and allowed it to flow through me for a few days. It was painful but remarkably enlightening to my perception and permission of rage and anger in my life. Which brings me here, to my personal unpacking of anger and rage.
What I needed to work through had many layers composed of my permission to feel the rage, my allowance of others to see my rage, and how to express my rage within my values as to be able to be shamlessly unaplogetic in what I called my brokenness. It is important to note here that some of my core values are kindness, honestly, try not to harm others by being mindful of my impact regardless of my intention, mindful language, self reflection and there are more but all of these I try to practice* in my day to day. Trying to embody my values while being swept up in a blinding cyclone of emotions is quite a feat of mindfulness and last week I didn’t want to numb it out or run away. I also didn’t want to hurt myself, others or my relationships. I think I did ok but I am not sure.
My entire life I didn’t look at rage or anger as an acceptable and necessary emotion. I had categorized those emotions and a negative so I stuffed it deep in my body. My voice closed to expression until it exploded in tears, fears, anxiety and panic or disease. I found in my life if an emotion is not able to be expressed another will take its place, like anxiety or panic. I hadn’t made friends with my anger and rage. I experienced others anger and rage and it felt terrible. I did not want to make others feel that way with my anger and rage. There are two points here that I noticed 1. I denied a crutial part of my emotional spectrum and 2. I took on others emotions of anger and rage into my being. Both of these points I am now practicing to change. Sitting with anger and rage was not something I took time to investigate since those emotions didn’t seem to line up with my values. That was my mistake.
I realize now that the power of anger and rage can be mindfully navigated and not harm others or betray myself. Sometimes it takes a boat load of mindfulness to do it but it is possible and necessary.
*Practice means I try. Not that I am perfect in my execution at all times everyday. My life is a collection of practices.
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