Growing up, not being able to be myself is different from not being able to find myself. I couldn’t find something that I hid deep inside myself. It was like trying to read a message that is pinned to my own back. Others could read it but I couldn’t. In fifth grade I pinned the message to my back that I was queer. I couldn’t see it after that. I maybe put a coat on and forgot about it for a bit and others couldn’t read it eiher. Every once in a while I would take my coat off and others could read it but I still couldn’t. Sometimes I would wonder “Did I pin a note to my back?” but mostly I just stayed in denial and moved forward masking to play the part that I thought was scripted for me. It was not necessarily a role I wanted but at least I had a role, right? Make the best of what I have, right?
Wow. That was a fucked up mindset. No, I am not ok that I closeted myself but I understand why I did it. I am no longer ok with just settling. I am no longer ok with making the best of the limitations I find myself in. I am queer. I love women. I am a quirky bird. I am a creator. I am very intelligent and adaptable. I have done great things with my life. I have overcome great hurdles with beautiful stumbling grace. I have lost myself and found myself over and over. I will not deny myself again. I will not devalue my worth. My roots run deep. I am grounded to take on any gale force winds. I know who I am today. I am excited to see who I become. Bring it on.
I know there are days, seasons that I will forget that I wrote these words. I will falter as I am human but I vow to myself to always try to find my way back. I will always look for myself when I get lost. I will leave the light on for me to find my way home.